Weigh In

I lost 1.5 pounds this week, which puts me back at the 4 pound loss I left off at before my "hiatus". I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Funny

Remember when I said I was going to lose 5 pounds by the end of February? And that if I lost 5 pounds a month, I'd meet my 30 pounds goal by July?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Fucking hilarious.

Obsessions

Things I'm obsessed with:

1. Checking my email.
2. Checking my phone for texts.
3. Knowing what time it is at all times.
4. Scarves. What will I do when I can't away with wearing one every day?
   
5. Knowing the weather forecast for the coming day, week, etc. (especially in winter)
6. A constant need to be "heard". This is why journals never worked for me; I felt it was pointless writing down my thoughts for no one to read.
7. The color pink. No shame!
8. People watching.
9. The Office.
10. Flowers. Anywhere, everywhere.
11. Lists.
12. Fantasizing about what I will look like when I am skinny.
    

Things I'm becoming obsessed with:

1. Blogs - reading them, writing in them (or fantasizing about all of the amazingly witty and insightful things I would/should be writing if I were an amazingly witty and insightful person), and figuring out how to make mine look cooler.
2. Babies.
3. Counseling (see point 6 above).
4. Lands' End Catalogs.

Things I'm trying to become obsessed with:

1. Going to the gym.
2. Cooking dinner every night. EVERY. NIGHT.
3. Writing lesson plans.
   
4. Gardening.
   

Nothing

Well, here I am. I have thought many times in the past few weeks about posting, and have certainly felt obligated to do so, but haven't been able to actually do it. It's not that I dreaded it, or that I never had anything productive to share; I really don't know why. I think I've come to the realization that the start of this blog marked the beginning of the downward psychological/emotional spiral that has been plaguing my life for the past month. Maybe the desire to change my physical appearance subconsciously triggered a desire to change other things, too. I don't know. Regardless, I've been avoiding The Blog for fear that it will only perpetuate the problem.

There were a couple weeks where I completely gave up counting points and tracking my success at the gym. I finally weighed myself last Friday, and to my surprise, only gained back 1.5 pounds. (I was expecting much worse). Last week I also went to the gym three times. This week, while not actually tracking the points I've eaten, I have most definitely become more conscious of what I've been eating. I went to the gym on Monday and plan to also go tonight and tomorrow.

I'm trying to gradually get back into the swing of this. Despite my fear of The Blog, I can't deny that it has helped and will continue to help me achieve my weight loss goals. The bottom line is that regardless of how or where I do it, I need to record my daily point intake and weekly weigh-ins. It'll either be here, or somewhere else. So, for awhile, I don't know if I'll have anything insightful to share or have a desire to share anything other than my "daily report". We'll see.

"Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body"

Yesterday I took a sick day, mostly as a mental health day to pull my shit together. Which, unfortunately, didn't really work, but it was nice to be able to just be by myself. I did manage to drag myself to the gym, and I'm happy to say that it was an awesome work out. It was almost therapeutic - I was testing my body's limits. I liked sweating so much, I liked feeling my heart practically burst out of my chest, and I liked the feeling of exhaustion. It was like the faster I went, and the more pain I could release from my body, the easier everything else would become.

Or, maybe it was just the new Q102-bullshit-music mix I made myself that motivated me to push so hard. Who knows.

Today's accomplishments:

• Not eating birthday cake at work (it was a co-worker's birthday).

Today's failures:

• Eating a muffin at Starbucks that was probably 2309458238402 calories.
  

Word Vomit

I am going to write a lot of things right now that have nothing to do with weight loss. So, if you're not in the same stream-of-consciousness word vomit mood that I'm in, just don't read it.

Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, I've been sucking at this. I don't post when I know I haven't had a good day, and I haven't been counting or doing all the good things I should've been doing. Saturday I had a Wawa hoagie and doritos and it was awesomely delicious, and I don't feel guilty about it at all. I also had 2.5 beers last night, and it was awesome.

I've been wondering if this blog is worth it, or if it really will help me. It's been going for what, 3 weeks now? And I really think that my only truly successful week was the first one, which is typical, I'd say. Is this something I can do consistently, honestly, faithfully? This isn't something that my "talent" or intuition can pull me through on. I have to actually work hard and develop good habits, and habits are not something I feel like having right now at a time when I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and when I feel like I have no clear thoughts in my head EVER, and can't make sense of anything that I feel or say or do. And I'm hurting people I love, and probably pissing some of them off, and I just don't feel like walking into work and pretending to be happy to see people or pretending like it's going to be a good day. And I'm tired of them not "getting" me, I'm tired of being the quiet one who never says anything, and I'm tired of them not understanding this GREAT thing I've dedicated my life to. And I'm tired of feeling like my boss thinks I'm a total freaking weirdo, and that the only time he's EVER come to one of my concerts, a concert that I poured my life and soul and heart into, all he can say is WOW, your husband has an amazing voice! Which he does, Sam always impresses, which is wonderful and he is very talented, but could you have possible maybe noticed how much thought and energy went into everything else? Could you have possibly noticed or have been moved by one of the pieces that WASN'T total fluff, that took us longer than one rehearsal to learn??? Could you have maybe noticed that I work hard, and I'm passionate about this REALLY great wonderful thing? Could you possibly not act like I'm so fucking forgettable? Fuck you.

I wish I had a job where I didn't have to be responsible for a room full of people. I want to just sit here and zone out and do nothing. I don't care if you're singing in tune, I don't care if we don't learn our music in time for our concert, I don't care if my lesson plans meet national and state standards. And I hate feeling like I have to have everything figured out, because that's what people expect when you're married. When you're married, you have a plan, and you know what you want, and you've taken this step with another person to create a life together. I wish I could go back to high school or college where it was ok to skip class and fuck up and not turn in some assignment, where I wasn't expected to be this adult with goals and direction and morals. I don't want to feel like I'm boxed into this schedule of work and responsibility, I want to write letters like I used to, and read poetry like I used to, and be creative, and go driving into nowhere and listen to great music and have long meaningful talks and feel like it's OK to still not know who I am, and get completely wasted, and smoke pot, and dance and feel ALIVE. And that's not to say that the people in my life aren't enough for me, or that my life isn't good. Because my life IS good - I have good friends, good family, a good husband. I have this thing that I'm passionate about, that I'm DOING everyday, at 26 years old, and I know that's not something everyone can say about their lives. I have a good job, I have a house, I have love. And yet, it's not enough? And yes, that question mark is intentional because I DON'T understand it. Every thought in my brain ends in a question mark. I feel selfish. I feel wrong. I feel like I don't have the answers, and do you know what that means? When there are no answers, when there's no step-by-step procedure for how to solve a problem or make things right again, that means that it's over! That your body is DONE and there's nothing left to analyze, or pick apart, that talking about it will do NOTHING, that there IS no truth, there IS no outcome other than to just give in, and give up, and cry until life works itself out. AND I HATE THAT. I hate not having control over how I feel, I hate not knowing what's going to happen. It is restlessness, it is waiting, it is not sleeping, it is a constant state of inebriation. It is sheer desperation, clinging to whatever you can find, hoping to God that something will get you through this day. And it's feeling like pretending just isn't going to work anymore. Pretending that everything's fine, pretending that I'm ok and happy and healthy.

I have this horrible fear that I am going to turn into my mother, who is in a constant state of dissatisfaction. She is never happy, or at least never wants people to think she's happy. Is that who I'm becoming? A person who can't see the good in my life? Who constantly wants more?

But then again, I just don't care. I am indifferent to everything. And yet, I am selfish and self-centered because here I am writing down personal thoughts in a public forum for all the world to see. And I guess that just sums up everything about me, right here. What the fucking fuck. I guess I just want you to know that I'm sorry I can't give you answers, and I'm sorry that having no answers hurts you. I'm sorry that this is happening, because I do realize that the decisions I make and the things I feel affect more than just me. I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to talk about it because there's nothing to talk about! I just want to be free and answer to no one and take a vacation from life to figure all this shit out, and I don't know how to do that without making you feel like it's your fault. It's no one's fault but my own.

Weigh In # 3

Well, the bad news is that I gained .5 pounds. The good news is that I only gained .5 pounds. And if there's one thing I've learned from weight watchers, it's that when you are expecting to gain and you can pinpoint why you've gained, you are more able to learn from your mistakes and improve for next time. Considering the week I've had, I'm honestly shocked (and relieved) that I only gained .5 pounds. That means that next week, if I lose 1 pound, I'll have met my 5 pound mini goal for February. And I know that I am completely capable of doing that.

Also, I had an AWESOME work out today. I don't know - maybe it was my pent up frustrations and stress from the week, or the fact that my last work out sucked - but I was working really hard and I actually kind of enjoyed it!

Just for the record, because I know some of you are probably wondering, you will NEVER annoy me by calling to see if I went to the gym. In fact, it would be extremely helpful if I had friends checking up on me. Even if I act annoyed, trust me when I say that I truly do appreciate as much support and encouragement as I can get, because I know in the long run that it'll be worth it. So, bring it on - annoy the hell out of me.