"Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body"

Yesterday I took a sick day, mostly as a mental health day to pull my shit together. Which, unfortunately, didn't really work, but it was nice to be able to just be by myself. I did manage to drag myself to the gym, and I'm happy to say that it was an awesome work out. It was almost therapeutic - I was testing my body's limits. I liked sweating so much, I liked feeling my heart practically burst out of my chest, and I liked the feeling of exhaustion. It was like the faster I went, and the more pain I could release from my body, the easier everything else would become.

Or, maybe it was just the new Q102-bullshit-music mix I made myself that motivated me to push so hard. Who knows.

Today's accomplishments:

• Not eating birthday cake at work (it was a co-worker's birthday).

Today's failures:

• Eating a muffin at Starbucks that was probably 2309458238402 calories.
  

Word Vomit

I am going to write a lot of things right now that have nothing to do with weight loss. So, if you're not in the same stream-of-consciousness word vomit mood that I'm in, just don't read it.

Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, I've been sucking at this. I don't post when I know I haven't had a good day, and I haven't been counting or doing all the good things I should've been doing. Saturday I had a Wawa hoagie and doritos and it was awesomely delicious, and I don't feel guilty about it at all. I also had 2.5 beers last night, and it was awesome.

I've been wondering if this blog is worth it, or if it really will help me. It's been going for what, 3 weeks now? And I really think that my only truly successful week was the first one, which is typical, I'd say. Is this something I can do consistently, honestly, faithfully? This isn't something that my "talent" or intuition can pull me through on. I have to actually work hard and develop good habits, and habits are not something I feel like having right now at a time when I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and when I feel like I have no clear thoughts in my head EVER, and can't make sense of anything that I feel or say or do. And I'm hurting people I love, and probably pissing some of them off, and I just don't feel like walking into work and pretending to be happy to see people or pretending like it's going to be a good day. And I'm tired of them not "getting" me, I'm tired of being the quiet one who never says anything, and I'm tired of them not understanding this GREAT thing I've dedicated my life to. And I'm tired of feeling like my boss thinks I'm a total freaking weirdo, and that the only time he's EVER come to one of my concerts, a concert that I poured my life and soul and heart into, all he can say is WOW, your husband has an amazing voice! Which he does, Sam always impresses, which is wonderful and he is very talented, but could you have possible maybe noticed how much thought and energy went into everything else? Could you have possibly noticed or have been moved by one of the pieces that WASN'T total fluff, that took us longer than one rehearsal to learn??? Could you have maybe noticed that I work hard, and I'm passionate about this REALLY great wonderful thing? Could you possibly not act like I'm so fucking forgettable? Fuck you.

I wish I had a job where I didn't have to be responsible for a room full of people. I want to just sit here and zone out and do nothing. I don't care if you're singing in tune, I don't care if we don't learn our music in time for our concert, I don't care if my lesson plans meet national and state standards. And I hate feeling like I have to have everything figured out, because that's what people expect when you're married. When you're married, you have a plan, and you know what you want, and you've taken this step with another person to create a life together. I wish I could go back to high school or college where it was ok to skip class and fuck up and not turn in some assignment, where I wasn't expected to be this adult with goals and direction and morals. I don't want to feel like I'm boxed into this schedule of work and responsibility, I want to write letters like I used to, and read poetry like I used to, and be creative, and go driving into nowhere and listen to great music and have long meaningful talks and feel like it's OK to still not know who I am, and get completely wasted, and smoke pot, and dance and feel ALIVE. And that's not to say that the people in my life aren't enough for me, or that my life isn't good. Because my life IS good - I have good friends, good family, a good husband. I have this thing that I'm passionate about, that I'm DOING everyday, at 26 years old, and I know that's not something everyone can say about their lives. I have a good job, I have a house, I have love. And yet, it's not enough? And yes, that question mark is intentional because I DON'T understand it. Every thought in my brain ends in a question mark. I feel selfish. I feel wrong. I feel like I don't have the answers, and do you know what that means? When there are no answers, when there's no step-by-step procedure for how to solve a problem or make things right again, that means that it's over! That your body is DONE and there's nothing left to analyze, or pick apart, that talking about it will do NOTHING, that there IS no truth, there IS no outcome other than to just give in, and give up, and cry until life works itself out. AND I HATE THAT. I hate not having control over how I feel, I hate not knowing what's going to happen. It is restlessness, it is waiting, it is not sleeping, it is a constant state of inebriation. It is sheer desperation, clinging to whatever you can find, hoping to God that something will get you through this day. And it's feeling like pretending just isn't going to work anymore. Pretending that everything's fine, pretending that I'm ok and happy and healthy.

I have this horrible fear that I am going to turn into my mother, who is in a constant state of dissatisfaction. She is never happy, or at least never wants people to think she's happy. Is that who I'm becoming? A person who can't see the good in my life? Who constantly wants more?

But then again, I just don't care. I am indifferent to everything. And yet, I am selfish and self-centered because here I am writing down personal thoughts in a public forum for all the world to see. And I guess that just sums up everything about me, right here. What the fucking fuck. I guess I just want you to know that I'm sorry I can't give you answers, and I'm sorry that having no answers hurts you. I'm sorry that this is happening, because I do realize that the decisions I make and the things I feel affect more than just me. I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to talk about it because there's nothing to talk about! I just want to be free and answer to no one and take a vacation from life to figure all this shit out, and I don't know how to do that without making you feel like it's your fault. It's no one's fault but my own.

Weigh In # 3

Well, the bad news is that I gained .5 pounds. The good news is that I only gained .5 pounds. And if there's one thing I've learned from weight watchers, it's that when you are expecting to gain and you can pinpoint why you've gained, you are more able to learn from your mistakes and improve for next time. Considering the week I've had, I'm honestly shocked (and relieved) that I only gained .5 pounds. That means that next week, if I lose 1 pound, I'll have met my 5 pound mini goal for February. And I know that I am completely capable of doing that.

Also, I had an AWESOME work out today. I don't know - maybe it was my pent up frustrations and stress from the week, or the fact that my last work out sucked - but I was working really hard and I actually kind of enjoyed it!

Just for the record, because I know some of you are probably wondering, you will NEVER annoy me by calling to see if I went to the gym. In fact, it would be extremely helpful if I had friends checking up on me. Even if I act annoyed, trust me when I say that I truly do appreciate as much support and encouragement as I can get, because I know in the long run that it'll be worth it. So, bring it on - annoy the hell out of me.

Daily Report - 2/18/10

If I lose 5 pounds by the end of February, then I'll still be on track. Only .5 more to go, but I have to get through my weigh-in tomorrow first. When I think of it in terms of only 5 pounds a month, this seems totally do-able. I can so do this.

I should've gone to the gym today, but watching reruns of The Office was apparently more important. I think I will go tomorrow after school.

Wait, no. It's not optional, right? Going to the gym is not optional. I am going to the gym tomorrow after school.

Today I fell into the same habits of previous days this week. I ate yogurt in the morning, nothing for lunch, and then Sam and I went to Barnaby's for dinner.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt (2 points)

Dinner:

• French Onion Soup (6 points)
• Chicken sandwich and fries, but only half of the plate (I really have no idea how many points this is, but I definitely think it's less than 23 points)

So....I guess this is good? Sigh.

Yes, I Am Still Alive

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

These past few days have just been the worst. And I have been totally slacking and totally sucking about keeping up with this commitment, which isn't making me feel any better about my personal life. There is absolutely no point in posting anything about what I've eaten over the past two days....not necessarily because what I've eaten is terrible, but because my health habits were terrible. I didn't plan ahead, we have no food in the house...I didn't have anything to take with me to school, and so I went all day without eating, which is BAD. Not to mention that today is the first day I've been to the gym all week, and I've gotten maybe 12 hours of sleep total over the past 3 nights.

Lame.

It's always been hard for me to "get back into the swing of things" after a trip or a vacation or something. But added stress on top of that is what sent me on a downward spiral. I have a really bad habit of wanting to disappear from life when I am emotionally stressed - my job performance suffers, my health suffers, and my relationships suffer. It's a really unhealthy way of dealing with my problems, and it totally fucks up any routine or goals I've set for myself. Plus, it's just plain immature. The world is not going to stop spinning just because I'm sad. How will I ever care for children or run a household if this is how I react to personal problems?

I went to the gym today and am feeling really crappy about it, because I didn't get that feeling of accomplishment I always look forward to upon leaving. My motivation was lacking, my physical energy level was low....it was just bad. I've also noticed that my workouts are WAY better when I have high energy music to listen to, which I didn't have today. I need some good music, and I need to make a play list that I can look forward to listening to while exercising. Suggestions, anyone?

I'm going to gain this week. I'm completely dreading Friday. It's just not what I need right now.

ACDA Follow Up

I know, I know, it's been days since I've posted anything, even after bringing my laptop to G's and having every intention of dutifully reporting every morsel I ate and step I took while in Philly. Despite weighing in 2 days late and eating out every meal for the past 3 days, I still managed to lose 1 pound this week, which is better than nothing, but still doesn't put me at the 5 pound mark I was hoping for.

I feel that I did GREAT with eating while at the convention. There weren't always super healthy choices, but I did well controlling how much I ate and didn't bring leftovers home. Not to mention that we did an insane amount of walking in snow and slush every day.

Thursday:

• Lunch - Grabbed something quick at the Reading Terminal Market. I had some kind of turkey BLT thing with wheat bread and removed half the turkey from the sandwich.
• Dinner - Fancy-shmance dinner at a seafood restaurant called Devon in Rittenhouse Square. 2 glasses of wine, 1 biscuit, shared calamari with 2 other people, and had some kind of seafood sampler for dinner with salmon, shrimp, scallops, a crab cake, and mashed potatoes. I ate about 2/3 of the plate.
• I also think I had a martini somewhere in the afternoon.
  

Friday:

• Lunch - Met my sister with G for lunch at Reading Terminal Market and ordered soup and a sandwich. I had maybe 5 bites of the soup (it was gross) and a chicken caprese sandwich with tomato, chicken, mozzerella, and pesto. I ate 2/3 of the sandwich.
• Dinner - Went to Chilis with friends from college. I had a miller light and ordered the chicken quesadillas (with sour cream and guacamole), but only ate half. And I ate the rice on the plate, too. Later that night I also had a martini and had some sour patch kids. (Not at the same time).
  

Saturday:

• Lunch - Went to Maggiano's with G and a friend of ours. Shared the caprese salad (literally a slice and a half of tomato, a slice and a half of mozzerella, and some balsamic vinegar) and the gnocchi with G. Oh, and 2 small pieces of bread.
• Dinner - "Feast of the East" closing reception with foods representing each state in the Eastern Division of ACDA (it was very cool!). I had a mini soft pretzel, a mini chicken cheesesteak (without eating the bun), a crab cake slider (without the bun), and various veggies, dips, etc. Also had one Tasty Cake and a miller light. Later, I had some popcorn and sour patch kids. (Yes, at the same time).

Maybe I'll write more about the convention at some point..? It was a B- at best.

Snowed In

This damn blizzard is totally messing up my week. I can't leave for the convention in Philly because the damn snow is literally coming down too fast for the plows; within 20 minutes of a plow coming through our neighborhood, the ground was completely covered again in snow. I should've been smart, finished packing last night, and left super early this morning. But I'm stupid and didn't plan ahead. Sigh. Worst case scenario, I won't be able to leave until tomorrow, which wouldn't be terrible, but it would mean that I'd have to drive into center city, park my car somewhere that would cost an arm and a leg, and then at the end of the day drive to Gangster's to settle in and leave my car.

What's worse is that I can't even take advantage of my snow day and get my ass to the gym. Even if I wanted to drive I couldn't go, because they're closed today due to the weather. LAME! Maybe I will turn shoveling into my work out for today. (By the way, just realized that I never counted shoveling as exercise on Saturday!!)

For lunch I had eggs and toast...about 10 points. Oh yeah, and I'm drinking coffee. I never drink coffee.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Ok, I'm freaking out because my prediction is coming true. So far, this week has been much less successful than last week. I didn't go to the gym yesterday, and today for dinner we had Wawa. Which, I guess isn't the end of the world, but I'm still really mad at myself and definitely feeling guilty. I did go to the gym, but was really lazy about it and only went for 25 minutes.

And my motivation feels different.

See?? This always happens! I have an awesome first week, and then the next week is a total bust. I HAVE to get back on track. I'm psyching myself out.

But, I have this. I have my blog. I've posted daily, without fail, for over a week; sometimes more than once a day. I feel like as long as I have this, I can do anything.

Here's what I ate today. Please don't judge me.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt (2 points)

Lunch:

• Pizza Hot Pocket (6 points)

Dinner (this is pathetic):

• Wawa 10 inch hoagie with turkey, provolone cheese, miracle whip, mustard, and veggies (12 points)
  
• Small bag of Herr's Sour Cream and Onion Chips (8 points)
• Reese's Pieces, 3/4 of a bag (15 points. Yes, 15 points. Can you believe it? I'm an ass.)
  

Exercise:

• 25 minutes on the elyptical (5 points)

I refuse to total it up today.

By the way, I'd just like to give a little shout out to my friends who have been super supportive of this endeavor so far. I've gotten a few phone calls and emails, all rooting me on and checking up on me (in a good way). It's really helpful and motivating, so thank you. :)

Gym Fail

Sigh. No gym today. However, I did go shopping for about an hour and a half, and being on your feet counts for something. I'm mad and ashamed at myself for not going to the gym, especially when I told myself that I don't have a choice anymore; it just needs to happen three times a week. But, I will definitely go tomorrow, and if we have a snow day on Wednesday (which is very likely), I can go during the day.

So, on Wednesday I'm leaving for Philadelphia to stay with Gangster for the ACDA convention, which is Thursday through Saturday. I'm really excited to go, but not excited about the fact that I'll miss a weigh in day (although if Gangster has a scale, I may just weigh in at his place), and will also be eating out for practically every meal. I'm really nervous about eating, and am trying to plan ahead so that I make good choices. I'll probably bring fruit and yogurt with me. Plus, I'm always better about eating on days when I'm super busy, and every day will definitely be packed. Not to mention the amount of walking I'll be doing. I think this will be a good test for me - turning a potentially detrimental situation into a good one. I think I can do this!

Here's what I ate today.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt (2 points)
  
• 1/2 of an apple (.5 points)

Lunch:

• Four Cheese Hot Pocket (5 points)
• 5 hershey's kisses (2 points)

Dinner:

• 6 oz Pork Tenderloin (6 points)
• Roasted Potatoes with garlic, 1 cup (2 points)
  
• Veggie Mix (green beans, peas, carrots, corn) (0 points)
• 2 slices of bread w/ margerine (5 points)

Exercise:

• Leisure walking for 45 minutes (3 activity points earned)
  

TOTAL: 22.5 points, minus 3 activity points = 19.5

Ok, that is way too low. I need to eat something else...maybe some dessert. :) How is it that I'm only eating 23 points? I mean, it's a good thing, but I remember awhile back struggling just to stay under 30 points on a daily basis. Crazy...

By the way, I've been peeing about 5 or 6 times during the day at work, even when I don't drink a ton of water. A co-worker told me that it's because I'm losing weight. Is that true??

Car Crying

Sigh. Just re-read my last post. I realize that my reaction wasn't healthy, but....I can't help how I feel. Sam thinks I should take it down, but I think that this is part of the process. As I mentioned to my good-forever-friend (we'll call him Gangster, which, believe it or not, is relevant) at lunch today, this is just as much a psychological makeover as it is a physical one. I need to learn to view myself in a healthier, more constructive way, and denying that I'm not healthy about it right now won't do me any favors later.

Speaking of psychological makeovers, I do feel that I'm taking steps in the right direction in this department. For example, I have no idea if this is connected to my new blogging hobby or not, but I have cried more times this week than I have probably in the past year. I've just never been a crier, at least, not in reaction to my own life. Movies? Choral music? Happy things? Yes, they all move me to tears. But when it comes to my own emotional pain, I've always held it in. I hate feeling or appearing weak, and I especially hate it when people see me cry for fear that they'll think I only want sympathy. Not only that, but crying, in my experience, is my body's way of subconsciously submitting to hurt. Like, "Yes, this situation is so desperate and so far from improving that there is simply nothing else to do but cry." And I've always felt that if I can keep it in and not accept the pain, maybe the bad situation will just go away. Which inevitably leads to a build up of emotions inside of me, to be let out later through anger or tears about something completely unrelated and irrelevant.

Poor Sam....I think he thinks I'm slowly losing it. Yesterday, at the end of an extremely shitty day, we were in Wawa getting something for dinner (let's just let that one go, ok people?). And suddenly, among the aisles of convenient food selections, tears! Just, tears. I couldn't stop them. It was my stupid poor planning for my trip later this week, the unsuccessful attempt at cooking breakfast, the overflowing toilet, the canceled rehearsal, the stupid pictures, the PMSing, and just general misery wallowing all rolled into one. And apparently that was enough for my body to tell me that not crying just wasn't an option. I walked outside, let the tears come out, and then let them out some more in the car as Sam tried to decipher why I was acting completely uncharacteristic of myself. Car crying with Sam seems to be a new pasttime, or at least based on this past week, it is.

It's good, though. It's cleansing and refreshing. It's therapeutic; it's a release. And I always feel better afterwards. Moving forward, I'm going to try to let myself cry more and not feel ashamed or weak to accept that I'm hurting about something.

Here's what I ate today.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt (2 points)

Lunch:

• Turkey BLT sandwich from Saladworks (15 points)

Dinner:

• Garlic and Herb Chicken, roasted potatoes, and broccoli from Applebees (7 points - this was one of their weight watchers meals!)

Dessert:

• 1/2 cup of Edy's Slow Churned vanilla ice cream (3 points)
• 1 cup strawberries (.5 points)
• Whipped Cream (1 point)

TOTAL: 28.5 points, with 2.5 leftover!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand...Pounds

I hate them. All pictures of me, officially, are awful. Fat, lumpy, double chin-y, disgusting.

I am actually ashamed to be in public. Maybe that sounds extreme, but it's true. There are times when I hate being around people because of how I know they view me. I hate sitting directly next to people; I try to sit in ways and put my hands or arms strategically in places that will hide my fat rolls or double chin. Ugh, the double chin - that is the thing I hate most about my appearance. My stupid, fat face. But what's the point? I look horrible even at times when I'm supposed to look my best, with great make up and great hair and a dress that's supposed to be slimming and flattering. Fuck my life! I can't believe that I represent a professional organization looking this way. Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with me? How did I let myself get like this? I am so disgusted with myself right now.

What's worse is that I never feel that I look that bad when I'm getting ready in my own house, and then I see pictures later, and my self worth goes straight down the toilet. I feel like what I look like on the outside doesn't represent who I am on the inside. It's not me in those pictures. I guess I'm somewhere lost in that huge fat body, but it's not me. What is my identity, then? Where is it? Where is she? More importantly, when will she be coming back?

I just shouldn't have looked. I knew before I clicked on the damn link that I'd feel this way. Why fucking bother.

Fuck.

Good News and Bad News

The good news is....I lost 2.5 pounds this week! I successfully managed my portions at our Department Luncheon today (the options were healthy...soup and salad), and avoided the cake and cookies that were being shoved in my face. On the way home, I pushed myself to go to the gym, even though I was feeling extremely sluggish and unmotivated, and even managed to convince Sam to come along. I had a great 30 minute work out and burned 300 calories.

The bad news is....in the past, every time I've had a successful weigh in, I've gotten cocky and subconsciously slacked off the next week, inevitably gaining back most, if not all, of the weight I worked so hard to lose the week prior. It was this constant yo-yo within 5-8 pounds, and then I'd get frustrated and just give up. I'm realizing now that I need to keep my eye on the prize and not let history repeat itself.

All in all, I'd say this was a very successful first week of weight loss blogging. Here are some things I'm especially proud of:

• Going to the gym three times, as planned, and earning 18 activity points for the week!
  
• Staying within my points target every day since Monday.
• Blogging every day and being honest about what I ate.
• Avoiding temptation at times when I didn't think I could.

So here's what I ate today. But please know that I'm a firm believer in cheat days for getting you through the week (hence my conveniently planned Friday afternoon weigh ins).

Breakfast:

• None.

Lunch:

• Broccoli and Cheese soup (4 points)
  
• 1 piece of Italian bread (3 points)
  
• Smaaaallll portion of baked ziti w/ meat sauce (5 points)
  
• Smaaaalll portion of cous cous salad with tomatoes and spinich (3 points)
  

Dinner:

• Pizza, 3 medium slices (yeah, I know...) (18 points)
  
• Cinna Stix (8 points)
  

Exercise:

• Elyptical, 30 minutes (6 activity points)

TOTAL: 41 points (TERRIBLE, but worth it), minus 6 activity points = 35 points

4 of my 35 weekly flex points have been used.

Daily Report - 2/4/10

I'm pretty excited to weigh in tomorrow. I've had a successful week of eating, and will get a third workout in tomorrow before I go home and weigh myself (I'm hoping my boss will send us home early because of the predicted snow so that I can get to the gym early again).

However, I'm a little nervous because tomorrow is one of my school's infamous "Department Luncheons", for which each department takes turns hosting and preparing a meal for the faculty/staff. It's very fun, but there's no way of knowing what will be served and how healthy or unhealthy the options will be. The one good thing is that I work with a bunch of Trader Joe loving, organic eating, vegan/vegetarian health freaks (ok, that's a bit extreme), so I'm hoping that will work in my favor. I just need to remember to watch my portion sizes and not overeat.

I'm also nervous because I got my period today, which will inevitably make me more bloated than usual. Plus I was majorly craving chocolate all day and ended up creating home made chocolate sauce out of leftover Ghiardelli chocolates (inspired by Giada di Laurentes).

Here's what I ate today.

Breakfast:

• Dannon light and fit vanilla yogurt (2 points)
  

Lunch:

• Four Cheese Hot Pocket (5 points)
• Apple (1 point)

Dinner:

• Sandwich with whole wheat bread, 2 slices provolone (should've only had one), 3 slices turkey, small amount of mayo and mustard (12 points, ugh)
• Tostitos, about 12, and salsa (3 points)

Dessert:

• Edy's Low Fat Vanilla Ice Cream w/ chocolate sauce (10 points)

TOTAL: 33 points

Ok, so I went a little over, but that's ok. Technically I have 35 flex points, and I didn't go over my 31 points either yesterday or the day before. Plus I earned 6 activity points yesterday. Plus it was totally worth it for the chocolate. :)

In other news, I'm feeling great because I had a voice lesson today for the first time in about 4 years. It was totally awesome - I clicked with the teacher right away, and he had instant respect for the fact that I am a teacher myself. We were completely on the same page as one another, and I think he was impressed with me. He even asked if he could refer students to me, and gave me info about an upcoming vocal competition I might apply for! Very exciting and definitely something new and fresh to help motivate me. Yay!

Daily Report - 2/3/10

Breakfast:

• 2 bites of Greek yogurt before I realized it was disgusting (0 points)
  
• 4 apple slices (1 point)
  

Lunch:

• Leftover Lejon pizza from Iron Hill, w/o crust (9 points) <----- not worth it
  
• Doritos, about 12 (3 points) <---- lame

Dinner:

• Chicken with sage, sundried tomatoes, and fontina (12 points)
• Green beans (0 points)

Dessert/Snack:

• 6 strawberries (.5 points)
• Edy's Low Fat Vanilla Ice Cream, 1 cup (5 points)

Exercise:

• Elyptical/Stairmaster thingy for 30 minutes (6 points - holla!)

TOTAL: 30.5, plus 6 earned activity points

Two good days in a row, this is great!

Victory!

Today was a snow day (which is hilarious, because it's now all melted and approximately 50 degrees outside). This turned out great, because I was able to sleep in a little, get some work done, watch a super lame movie on On Demand, and get to the gym before the 4-8pm rush.

Usually when I work out I go for an elyptical, mostly because my gym has more of them than any other machine, but also because bikes seem pointless and are literally a pain in the ass, and treadmills freak me out a little bit. Plus, on elpyticals, they have this "personal trainer" setting where it prompts you every few minutes to maintain a certain RPM, or switch directions and go backwards, or concentrate on using your lower body only, etc. I like that because it helps me stay motivated and keeps me from slacking. On an elyptical, I can easily go for 30 minutes.

Well, since I was able to make it to the gym hours earlier than normal, I had my pick of machines. Motivated by a college friend who worked as a personal trainer and told me to always pick the machine that kicks your ass the most, I decided to try a new one that looks like a cross between an elyptical and a stairmaster. I have no idea what the machine is called, but to use it, your feet are on platforms, like an elyptical, but move out forward in front of you instead of around in a circle like a bike. It really works your thighs, hips, and butt, because the arm handles don't move, so it's all lower body. Anyway, 5 minutes into my usual 30 minutes of cardio, this new machine was completely destroying me. I was sweating profusely, because it's the kind of machine where going at a moderate speed just isn't an option, and was already predicting that I'd barely make it through 10 minutes.

But I DID make it through 10 minutes. I made it to 10, then 15, then before I knew it, there were only 10 minutes left out of my 30. With a renewed sense of energy I forged onward (lame), telling myself that if I could work out on a machine that was kicking my ass for 30 minutes straight, I could do anything. I could lose 30 pounds by July. I could lose 50 pounds, 80 pounds, maybe even 100 pounds. I could be skinny. Or better yet, fit. Or even better yet, "hot"!

Well, it totally sucked, and it kind of made me want to die, but I did it! I made it through 30 minutes. And afterwards, as I was practically skipping out to my car out of sheer pride and joy, I realized that I was happy! It was probably the endorphines, but who the hell cares! I was happy about an experience I had at a gym, which has never really happened before. Take THAT, stupid doctors. Could an "obese" person do what I just did? FUCK NO! SUCCESS!

Daily Report - 2/2/10

Despite the fact that I've technically been on weight watchers for about 7 years and still have yet to see results, I do truly believe it's the best system for weight loss, and my doctor agrees. My problem is that I've just never stuck with it. I'm determined to make it work this time. For those of you that aren't familiar with how it works, food items are assigned point values (a calculation based on the fiber, fat, and caloric content). Based on your weight, your amount of daily activity, etc, you're allotted a points target for each day, plus you're given 35 flex points for each week. My daily points target is 31 points, and I weigh in once a week on Friday afternoons.

Here's what I ate today.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit yogurt (3 points)
  

Lunch:

• Smart Ones meal (5 points)
  
• Orange (1 point)
  

Snack:

• Broccoli and Red Peppers w/ light ranch (2 points)
  

Dinner:

• Chicken breast w/ italian seasoning (8 points)
  
• Baked potato w/ margerine (6 points)
  
• Green beans (0 points)

Total: 25 points

I'm happy with this. I still have 6 points left!

What is the Deal With Food?

A dilemma:

A former student has come in to visit today and dropped off a belated Christmas gift. What is the gift, you ask? A magazine, a CD, and a massively huge box of chocolate turtles.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

And for just a split second I had the urge, without hesitation, to rip the box open and scarf down a few. I mean, let's be real, I could probably polish off the whole thing. Here I am, by myself in my classroom. No one would see me, and no one would know.

But I stopped myself. I am not eating any.

It has gotten me thinking: what is the deal with food? Why has our society gotten to the point where food is an overly indulgent guilty pleasure? I'm surrounded by fast food joints, pizza parlors, and TV shows about the best greasy food you can find in a diner. Why is that important to America? When did it become trendy and cool to be able to eat a 12 pound burger, or 6 hoagies in an hour? And, dare I even ask, why food even needs to be enjoyable at all? All it is is fuel for our body. Nutrients, protein, vitamins. Why do we need greasy burgers and birthday cake ice cream and damn freaking chocolate turtles????

I feel like all I think about is food, especially now that I'm trying to eat healthier. It has taken over my life, and I hate it. I wish I were completely indifferent towards what I put in my mouth, because God knows that even though I enjoy it while I eat it, as soon as I'm finished eating the burger and fries, or the Wawa hoagie with chips, or the pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, the guilt sets in. I swear to myself that I will spend extra time at the gym, that I'll eat extra healthy the next day. It is literally the worst feeling in the world. And then I get angry. Why can't I eat it? Other people do. Why do I have to be the one who can't overindulge? And then I get sad, and then depressed that I'm sad, because really, why does it matter? Why do I care so much about some stupid ice cream? Will the world end if I don't eat it? Even further, will the world end if I don't finish it?

No, it won't. And that's what I'm trying to teach myself. Food does not control me. I will survive, probably quite happily, if I don't eat something overindulgent every day.

I feel ashamed that everything I wrote above is true. I feel embarassed and ashamed that this is who I've become. That food has taken such a priority in my life, and that it's such a struggle for me to overcome it.

Back in the Game

I have decided to start a blog. A weight-loss blog, to be exact. I think it'll be motivating if I have a place to publicly report the weight I've lost each week, what I eat each day, and the general ups and downs of the journey. I think this will be good for me; it'll hold me accountable. And who knows, maybe this will motivate others to stick with their weight loss goals. Maybe I'll have "readers". Maybe my blog will inspire a movie. Ha!

Here's some background info. I'm female, 26 years old, got married in the summer of 2008, just bought a house with my husband (we'll call him Sam). I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I was a chubby kid, I was the "big boned" one in high school. In college, I gained about 50 pounds. Post college, I gained about 20 more as the result of Sam and I moving in together and having a stressful first year of teaching. I've been on weight watchers on and off since 2003 and have never been able to successfully stick with it. Now, Sam and I are the fat married couple. From the moment we started living together, it's been this downward spiral of developing bad, unhealthy, lazy habits. And we've been enabling one another to live that way ever since.

Now, I've known for a long time that I need to lose weight. This isn't some epiphany that hit me last week; I've wanted to get healthy and fit ever since the 70 pounds ago where I started. I've struggled with this, tormented over it for years. I have journals upon journals of angry, hurt entries full of the "why me"s and "what if"s. In fact, I've mooned over this for so long that I even know why I haven't been successful. I'm that kind of a person; I dissect everything down to its core, until there's nothing left but the raw truth.

And the truth is that I am a codependent personality. I am malleable. I am a chameleon. I change and shift depending on who I'm with or where I am. If I'm with my mom (RN health nut), or sister, or best friend (both beautiful and skinny), I eat differently than when I'm with Sam, or by myself. And that's true for all aspects of my personality; not just my health habits. I kind of hate that about myself, actually. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a true identity. And I've had it stuck in my head for the past 10 years of my life that if I could just lose the weight I wanted, I'd be a whole new person, with a whole new perspective on life. I wouldn't care so much about what others thought of me. I'd no longer have the insecurities that have been holding me back for so long. I don't know if that's true, but it's enough to keep me going.

It was a doctor's appointment that motivated this. My doctor told me that I'm basically infertile at the weight I am right now. I need to lose 50-80 pounds if I want to have children. And to say that I want children is, well, quite the understatement. It was heartbreaking to hear. But it was what I needed to jump start the process of change.

So, here I am. I've already made a lot of positive changes, like eating two pieces of fruit and a serving of yogurt every day, and joining a gym. In fact, making a weekly trip to the grocery store to buy fresh produce has become routine, and I've started heading to the gym right after work instead of stopping at home first. Just to be clear, I will not be revealing my starting weight. Let's just say that if I lost 100 pounds, I'd technically still be within a healthy weight range for my height. Ultimately, I'll be happy losing about 80 pounds.

First goal: 30 pounds by July