Car Crying

Sigh. Just re-read my last post. I realize that my reaction wasn't healthy, but....I can't help how I feel. Sam thinks I should take it down, but I think that this is part of the process. As I mentioned to my good-forever-friend (we'll call him Gangster, which, believe it or not, is relevant) at lunch today, this is just as much a psychological makeover as it is a physical one. I need to learn to view myself in a healthier, more constructive way, and denying that I'm not healthy about it right now won't do me any favors later.

Speaking of psychological makeovers, I do feel that I'm taking steps in the right direction in this department. For example, I have no idea if this is connected to my new blogging hobby or not, but I have cried more times this week than I have probably in the past year. I've just never been a crier, at least, not in reaction to my own life. Movies? Choral music? Happy things? Yes, they all move me to tears. But when it comes to my own emotional pain, I've always held it in. I hate feeling or appearing weak, and I especially hate it when people see me cry for fear that they'll think I only want sympathy. Not only that, but crying, in my experience, is my body's way of subconsciously submitting to hurt. Like, "Yes, this situation is so desperate and so far from improving that there is simply nothing else to do but cry." And I've always felt that if I can keep it in and not accept the pain, maybe the bad situation will just go away. Which inevitably leads to a build up of emotions inside of me, to be let out later through anger or tears about something completely unrelated and irrelevant.

Poor Sam....I think he thinks I'm slowly losing it. Yesterday, at the end of an extremely shitty day, we were in Wawa getting something for dinner (let's just let that one go, ok people?). And suddenly, among the aisles of convenient food selections, tears! Just, tears. I couldn't stop them. It was my stupid poor planning for my trip later this week, the unsuccessful attempt at cooking breakfast, the overflowing toilet, the canceled rehearsal, the stupid pictures, the PMSing, and just general misery wallowing all rolled into one. And apparently that was enough for my body to tell me that not crying just wasn't an option. I walked outside, let the tears come out, and then let them out some more in the car as Sam tried to decipher why I was acting completely uncharacteristic of myself. Car crying with Sam seems to be a new pasttime, or at least based on this past week, it is.

It's good, though. It's cleansing and refreshing. It's therapeutic; it's a release. And I always feel better afterwards. Moving forward, I'm going to try to let myself cry more and not feel ashamed or weak to accept that I'm hurting about something.

Here's what I ate today.

Breakfast:

• Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt (2 points)

Lunch:

• Turkey BLT sandwich from Saladworks (15 points)

Dinner:

• Garlic and Herb Chicken, roasted potatoes, and broccoli from Applebees (7 points - this was one of their weight watchers meals!)

Dessert:

• 1/2 cup of Edy's Slow Churned vanilla ice cream (3 points)
• 1 cup strawberries (.5 points)
• Whipped Cream (1 point)

TOTAL: 28.5 points, with 2.5 leftover!