Yes, I Am Still Alive

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

These past few days have just been the worst. And I have been totally slacking and totally sucking about keeping up with this commitment, which isn't making me feel any better about my personal life. There is absolutely no point in posting anything about what I've eaten over the past two days....not necessarily because what I've eaten is terrible, but because my health habits were terrible. I didn't plan ahead, we have no food in the house...I didn't have anything to take with me to school, and so I went all day without eating, which is BAD. Not to mention that today is the first day I've been to the gym all week, and I've gotten maybe 12 hours of sleep total over the past 3 nights.

Lame.

It's always been hard for me to "get back into the swing of things" after a trip or a vacation or something. But added stress on top of that is what sent me on a downward spiral. I have a really bad habit of wanting to disappear from life when I am emotionally stressed - my job performance suffers, my health suffers, and my relationships suffer. It's a really unhealthy way of dealing with my problems, and it totally fucks up any routine or goals I've set for myself. Plus, it's just plain immature. The world is not going to stop spinning just because I'm sad. How will I ever care for children or run a household if this is how I react to personal problems?

I went to the gym today and am feeling really crappy about it, because I didn't get that feeling of accomplishment I always look forward to upon leaving. My motivation was lacking, my physical energy level was low....it was just bad. I've also noticed that my workouts are WAY better when I have high energy music to listen to, which I didn't have today. I need some good music, and I need to make a play list that I can look forward to listening to while exercising. Suggestions, anyone?

I'm going to gain this week. I'm completely dreading Friday. It's just not what I need right now.